April 2011

Have you ever been faced with trying to stay positive when others around you are negative? Negative people can be a challenge to be around. They will bring you down and drain your energy.

A negative person can throw your best laid plans to be positive right out the window. Whether your child or spouse has an occasional negative day or you deal with a family member, friend or co-worker that is chronically negative, there are things you can do to remain positive in the face of negativity.

1. Let the Negativity Pass
Whatever you do, do not argue with a negative person. Arguing only adds fuel to the fire. A negative person will feed off any negativity that will strengthen his mood or attitude. I have noticed when my children are in a crabby mood, it is best to avoid trying to convince them to analyze and adjust their attitude. As soon as I take the approach of being in opposition with them, they seize the opportunity to prove to me that life stinks. Their negativity intensifies and the situation gets worse before it gets better. Sometimes the best thing to do is remain silent and let the negativity pass.

2. Negative People Need Love
You know how difficult it can be to give love and positive attention to negative people. Unfortunately, that is often exactly what they need. Deep inside that mean and critical person is a person that is usually afraid he or she is unlovable. It is our challenge to rise above the negative attitude and love the injured person inside. How do you show love when someone is negative? You must listen to what she is trying to tell you. Acknowledge the feelings she has by saying something like, "You sound very angry right now". Even if you don't quite understand the person's feelings, know that your reality is different than someone else's. Ask how you might help the negative person. This shows legitimate interest in her happiness. Offer a hug even if you get rejected. Remember not to take a rejection of your love personally. A negative person often has difficulty receiving love from others.

3. Focus on the Positive
If you try really hard, there is always something positive to be found in any situation. Pretend you are on a treasure hunt and search for any gold or jewels you can emphasize. Even a negative person has positive qualities. When a person is drowning in negativity, it can be difficult for them to see the positive. So often my clients focus on the negative aspects of themselves. They forget about all the great things they are doing. I admit that sometimes a negative person doesn't want to see the positive. This might require her to shift her outlook. Negativity can become a habit and habits are hard to break. Be patient and gently remind your grumpy friend or family member to look for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Hopefully, in her down time, she will begin to reflect on what you have said.

4. Ask Negative People to Elaborate
You may hear a negative person say things like: "Women are fickle." "You can't trust doctors." "My husband makes me miserable." These kinds of statements are a type of cognitive distortion referred to as generalizations. To help a person sort through her distorted thinking, ask for more specifics. Questions like "Which women are fickle?" or "What specifically about your husband is making you miserable?" force a person to evaluate what he or she is really trying to say. A negative person will either give up because it takes too much effort to explain himself, or he or she will get to the bottom of the issue.

5. Detach and Avoid Trying to Change the Negative Person
Learning to detach emotionally from a negative person can greatly benefit you and the other person. A negative person will fight you if you try to change them. If you want, you can try a little reverse psychology and agree with everything she says. I once read a great article about a mother who was exasperated with her son's negative mood. Everything she tried to soothe him and make him feel better backfired. She finally gave up and started agreeing with everything he said. When her son told her his friends were mean, she agreed with him. When he complained that his teacher didn't know anything, she couldn't agree more. After several minutes of this kind of dialogue with her son, his mood suddenly shifted. He declared that he was tired and he went to bed with a smile on his face.

6. Stay Away from Negative People
If you have negative people in your life that are critically affecting your mental and physical health, you need to evaluate whether or not you want these people in your life. Some people are so chronically negative that you have no other choice but to remove them from your life. It's possible to do that with friends. You can find another job if your boss or other co-workers are bringing you down. Other people, such as children and spouses, are difficult to remove from your life. In this instance, professional counseling may be the answer. To protect your well being, you need to enforce very strong boundaries with negative people.

7. Keep Your Own Negative Thoughts and Behaviors in Check
If you do nothing else but focus on managing your own negative thoughts and behavior, you will come a long way towards remaining positive. A negative attitude is contagious, but a positive attitude is infectious as well. Hang out with positive people that encourage you to be your best self. Use positive affirmations to overcome negative self-talk. Express your gratitude for all the positive things in your life. Take the time everyday to watch all the beautiful things going on around you. Read inspirational material and listen to joyful music. Take care of yourself spiritually. Do whatever you have to do to remain positive and happy despite the negativity you face.
The world will be a better place because of you and your attitude. And you never know, you just might help a negative person make a change to a better way of living.


Lori Radun, CEC -- certified life coach for moms. To receive her FREE mini eCourse on eliminating guilt, her FREE newsletter for moms, and the special report "155 Things Moms Can Do to Raise Great Children", go to http://www.true2youlifecoaching.com

I recently received an email that prompted me to answer a poll about what I feared most. I didn't reply to the email because my biggest fear at that moment was the fear of receiving more unsolicited email.

However, I did start thinking about the subject of fear. What are we afraid of? What is fear? What can we do about it?

A Powerful Emotion
Fear is an emotion and the symptoms of this emotion manifest in each of us in various ways. Some of the symptoms of fear are shallow breathing, sweaty palms, upset stomach, nervousness, headache, inability to speak, inability to think clearly, depression, uncontrollable shaking, inability to moved, and anger. People literally lose their lives and have been known to take someone else's life out of fear. All of the "isms" are the children of fear -- racism, chauvinism, classism, sexism. Wars and crime thrive on fear.

Fear takes away our creativity, imagination, freedom and peace. Fear stops us from pursuing our dreams. Fear destroys relationships and can make us physically ill.

These four letters, F E A R, represent the most powerful negative emotion that exists.

And just think, we have all this unhappiness and suffering over something that does not even exist except for the meaning or perception that we give to a person, place, thing or event. Our fears only live because each of us gives our own fears life. The fears we have exist because we nurture them, feed them, and acknowledge them.

Our Past Stories and Imaginations
In other words, our fears are based on our individual perceptions, and our perceptions are based on our individual stories or histories and our imaginations.

How else can we explain the fact that each of us has different fears and fears to different degrees? For instance, there are many people who love dogs. However, there are also people who fear dogs. Some love snakes and have them as pets. Yet, many others are extremely afraid of snakes and become traumatized at the mere sight of them.

Most of the time, we are not even aware of the stories that our fears are based on. Some of us have anxiety attacks and are fearful over a comment that another child made to us when we were small. In other words, we let a child from our past control our life and health today.

Release the Fear
In order to release the fear, we must change our perceptions about a person, event or object. Choose to see it for what it is -- a person, an event or an object. Many of us fear things that have not happened and may never happen. We cannot enjoy our lives today because we are fearful of what the future may hold. We can choose to release ourselves from the hold that our past stories and our imaginations have on us.

If you are totally immobilized by fear of something, you can always seek assistance from techniques such as Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), or hypnotherapy. I encourage you to explore the options each of these techniques provide. Each of them, using their own methods, de-traumatizes past traumas and identify and integrate conflicting belief systems that keep us from doing things we want to do.

In my experience, these types of procedures can bring about relief from fears quickly. Instead of treating the symptoms, as medications do, these techniques and other similar procedures address the cause of the fear.

A Signal for Change
The positive aspect of fear is that it is a signal for change. If someone were to point a gun at us, in the midst of fear, we would hope that something would change for the better. Hopefully, we would think of some way to change the situation without being harmed. When faced with the fear of the possibility of a child being harmed, parents have found physical strength and mental courage that they did not know was possible.

And so it is with our everyday fears. Let fear be a signal to change or move in a new direction. Move beyond your comfort zone. Perhaps we need more knowledge about the person, place, or thing that is causing us to feel fearful. Most importantly, move toward love. Love yourself. Love everyone and everything. Love is the most powerful emotion. Where there is real love, fear will perish.

We Are More Powerful than Fear
In my opinion, failure to remember who we are in relation to God and this great Universe is the number one cause of fear. Where there is no faith, there is fear. The absence of belief in ourselves and what we are capable of creates doubt and fear.

Yes, there will be tragedies. No, things will not always go as you planned. Yes, there will be people who want to say negative things about you. These people would rather comment on what appear to be your flaws rather than deal with their own. Do not give them your power.
None of us are ordinary human beings. All of us are extraordinary divine beings. Everyone has the power that will not fail, should it be acknowledged and embraced. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of this. I say, "Fear, be gone. You have no power here." Just by saying these words, it is as if I turn on a light and I see fear for what it really is -- nothing.


About the Author:

Wambui Bahati has enjoyed entertaining and empowering others for more than 40 years as an actress, author, speaker and 'holistic mental health' and 'empowerment over domestic violence' advocate. She is a life coach who incorporates EFT.  www.wambui-bahati.com

Have you ever found your sunglasses in the refrigerator? Or forgotten the name of someone you know? Or what about when there’s something on your mind at a red light and you don’t realize the light turned green until the car behind you is honking wildly? Believe me, these things have definitely happened at certain points in my life! We all have these moments, particularly when we are feeling stressed out.

Many well-meaning healthcare practitioners tend to laugh these mishaps off or chalk them up to the normal aging process, explaining there’s not much you can do about it. But loss of mental agility is not inevitable as you get older. Stress is a very real drain on the brain at any age, and there are some practical things you can do to keep yourself mentally sharp when you’re feeling stressed. Let’s take a closer look at this connection to your adrenal health and how you can help yourself.
Your brain on stress

Most of my patients aren’t surprised when I tell them that some stress is an integral part of life. Moderate, paced or periodic stress actually helps us to learn and lay new memories, but when stress is chronic, the adrenal glands are secreting stress hormones like adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol too frequently. These hormones, known as corticosteroids, are absolutely essential to life under ordinary circumstances, as well as in the face of danger, invoking powerful life-saving changes in our bodies. But when we lead a life of chronic stress, we may enter a state sometimes referred to as cortisol dominance, and this can affect brain function in powerful ways, especially when it comes to memory, attention, and learning.

Brain stress loop

Chronic unmitigated stress leads to sustained high levels of glucocorticoids, which over time can lead to cellular damage in the hippocampus, where learning and memory of new information are transferred to long-term memory. This damage in turn can interfere with the feedback loop that tells the brain when to “turn off” the stress response, fueling the cycle further.

Chronic stress can lead to the following changes in your brain:

* Cellular changes in the hippocampus, the part of the brain central to learning and memory.
* Slowed or halted neuron production.
* Diminished ability to clean up free radicals and inflammation, which can lead to accelerated brain aging.
* Disruptions in the production of neurotransmitters that help regulate our moods and cognitive function, leaving us grumpy, depressed, or forgetful.

Chronic stress can bring about a sustained stress loop, where the stress leads to increased corticosteroid release, which can damage the hippocampus (and inhibit our immune function). A damaged hippocampus leads to less regulation of cortisol and the unchecked cortisol leads to further damage to the hippocampus (see diagram). The good news is that we can interrupt and reset this cycle by the choices we make in our lives.
Think three E’s — eating, exercise, & emotional health

In today’s world nearly everyone is dealing with stress on a daily basis, but fortunately, you can minimize its effects on the brain — and body — by paying attention to three basic things: what you eat, how you exercise, and how you feel emotionally.

Eating — feed your mind. Brain function is the first to falter when you’re out of fuel. Many of my patients go long periods between meals and snacks, but if we do this while under stress, we just can’t expect the brain to keep up. Eating something nutritious three to five times a day will help keep your blood sugar even, steadily fueling your brain, and improving your capacity for learning, your memory, and your ability to pay attention.

I suggest a well-balanced, plant-rich, low-glycemic, Mediterranean-style diet. Adding protein to each meal and snack will help keep the overall glycemic load low and your blood sugar levels even. You might also consider adding cinnamon, or foods rich in chromium to help with blood sugar regulation. And because we can’t always eat a perfect diet, supplementing with specific nutrients and cofactors that target support to the brain and nervous system in general can make a tremendous difference. Here’s a list of key nutrients to offer your brain structural, regulatory, and restorative properties:

* Omega-3’s
* B complex
* Vitamin C
* Vitamin D
* Vitamin E
* Calcium
* Magnesium

For soothing your nervous system, you might consider the healing benefits of passionflower, chamomile, and valerian root. These herbs can gently dissolve stress and help you to sleep peacefully — another powerful antidote to the cumulative effects of everyday stress.

Exercise — a reasonable dose will do. Many of us grew up with the notion that we couldn’t form new brain cells after a certain point in our adulthood. But this just isn’t true! Exercise has been shown in laboratory experiments to stimulate neurogenesis — the birth of new nerve cells. So it isn’t a surprise that exercise is good for every system in our bodies.

Be mindful of the fact that if your exercise routine is causing stress in your life, then it’s time to change your plan. Extra guilt, worry, and stress around exercise can be more harmful to the brain than helpful. Experiment with different types of exercise and try to find 2-3 forms of exercise you enjoy. Rotate them to prevent boredom or feeling “stuck.” Practice breathing through your nose as you exercise, to re-engage your parasympathetic nervous system — our built-in “chill out” mechanism. And don’t forget to breathe in general! Many of us are rushing through our days and find little (if any) time to stop and just breathe. The more contemplative forms of exercise can be very helpful with this:

* Walking
* Yoga
* T’ai chi
* Qi gong

“In one rigorous study after another, exercise has emerged as the closest thing we have to a magic wand for the brain, the best building of branches, baby neurons, and along with education, perhaps, the mental padding of cognitive reserve.”  Barbara Strauch, author of The Secret Life of the Grown-up Brain, and science writer for The New York Times

For those who find themselves extremely busy (like I am) consider the concept of bursting. A “burst” in your workout includes getting your heart rate up to the point where it is difficult for you to breathe and keeping it there for about a minute or so (depending on your fitness level), and then returning to your normal rate. This way, if you only have 20 minutes to exercise, you might maximize your workout by bursting every five or 10 minutes.

Emotional health — uncover the roots of your stress. It’s so easy to get caught up in the web of stress that many of us forget to sit down and think about the roots of our stress. When you begin to contemplate the sources of stress in your life, you can often learn how to distinguish between things you cannot change and those you can, and from there be able to work toward stress management. Consider a journal or an ongoing list of things that cause you stress. Is it too little sleep? Not enough time alone? A draining job or difficult relationship? Write things down as they come to you, and when you have some time, look over your notes, and see if there are some solutions to the stressors in your life that you can change!

For more entrenched emotional patterns, stressful relationships, or situations that feel out of your control, you might try talking with a counselor, or trying the Emotional Freedom Technique, the Hoffman Process, or The Work by Byron Katie. I’ve seen tremendous results with all of these approaches.

“Mind”ful living

Good or bad, we just can’t stop the stress in our lives. But we can learn to respond to it in new ways and protect our body and mind from it. You don’t have to buy in to the myth that we just become more scatterbrained as we get older. Keeping your body, mind, and spirit healthy includes taking steps to address stress and restore balance and resilience to your adrenal glands — and this kind of self-care will bring health on every level. Support your brain every day with high quality nutrition, invigorating exercise, and honest emotional support. You’ll never forget how good it feels!

Marcell Peck is certified as an OB/GYN Nurse Practitioner and a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner, and is a member of the American Nurses Association, American Nurse Practitioner Association and American Holistic Nurses Association.  www.womentowomen.com

Have you ever noticed that a lot of people tend to take themselves too seriously? You know who I mean:

• Those folks who huff and puff with righteous indignation whenever they are challenged.
• Those people who glare and stare whenever someone says something they believe is inappropriate.
• Those individuals who seem to believe that it is okay for them to say things to others that should never be directed at them.

Do you have people like that in your life? Do you from time to time find them becoming annoyed by words, situations, or people that they would accept in the past but which have suddenly become intolerable to their egocentric psyches? Are you one of those people? When you see this happening in yourself or others, what do you think might be happening?

Human beings are driven by ego. Every person with a beating heart possesses some level of egoism. Egoism must not be confused with Egotism. The subtle difference between the two is that egoism is the natural pride and self esteem that we all have for ourselves while egotism is an outward display of self esteem which usually comes across as arrogance or conceit. Egotism is generally undesirable in human society but egoism is necessary for a normal, happy life. People who lose their egoism are usually depressed, miserable, or feeling a sense of despair. They have given up. Egoism is what made human beings the superior beings on our planet. It is that special ingredient that causes us to build huge buildings, fly to the moon and constantly research cures for diseases. It creates in us, a need to win!

Occasionally, egoism can turn to egotism. I call this heavying up. Sometimes a person who is normally even tempered and easy to get along with will change their approach to specific relationships. When that happens, we find folks saying things like this:

• "You can't talk to me like that!" or
• "That's not funny!" or
• "Whatever!" or
• "How would you know?"

Often this is because the person saying those things has allowed his or her ego to take flight in order to elevate them to a higher position than the person they are talking to. They have decided that the words or actions of the other person are repugnant to them in some way and have decided to react in an egotistical, humorless fashion, thereby belittling the other individual. It is intended to put them down or control them. Sometimes they will simply become uncommunicative in an effort to freeze the other person out. Sound familiar?

There can be many reasons for heavying up but usually the person that has allowed his or her ego to take over is feeling demeaned, insulted, hurt or simply afraid. Their ego is telling them to strike out in order to take control. Rather than thinking the situation through and treating the other person as an equal they believe that they can win by being superior, difficult, sarcastic or uncaring. For a moment in time they are acting like someone else. Their behavior is neither characteristic nor acceptable even to them. They have been taken over by their internal self-defense mechanisms and they don't really understand the ramifications of their actions.

When you come across people who are heavying up on you, do not react in kind. Do not retaliate with sarcasm or nastiness. That will only make the situation worse. Instead, take the high road and calmly explain to them that you mean no harm and that you would like help in resolving the issue at hand. Ask if you have offended them somehow and let them know that their opinions matter to you. The idea is to soften their egotistical veneer so that you can get back on track. Usually when it is made clear to someone in the throes of heavying up that they are being unfair or unpleasant, their ego will force them back into a more reasonable frame of mind. You see, no one really wants to be viewed as unfair, rude or egotistical and once they realize that they have been caught, they will revert to a more acceptable mode of communication.
By the way, if you ever find yourself snapping at someone for no apparent good reason, remember this: Stop taking yourself so seriously and LIGHTEN UP! If you can do that every time, your stress level will reduce and you will have a much happier life.


Wayne Kehl is an author, lecturer and personal development coach in British Columbia Canada. Find out more about Wayne at http://www.dlionline.ca.